How do I start? 

I guess with: Aussie guy and I really hit it off–the chemistry in person was electric, I was nervous for nothing. We’ve actually been dating for the last 3 months. Or were. He ditched me last week. By phone, so at least it wasn’t a text. 

It didn’t seem to come out of nowhere for him, and it shouldn’t have felt like it did to me. I missed a lot of things, or ignored them. Mostly because I didn’t dig, ask the important questions that were so obvious. And if I had to be honest, were there since we first started talking. 

He ‘Like-bombed’ me pretty hard in the beginning–something I should have recognized as a red flag. But I loved the attention. We had a lot of fun together before we became intimate. He didn’t just come for it, either. It was a slow tease over a few weeks. Our first kiss was a night he invited me over to his place–he cooked dinner. It was very steamy. The kiss, not the dinner. He didn’t try to take us all the way that night, and I liked that. 

It was my first kiss in … well, a lot of years. And I’m pleased to announce, I still got it. Like riding a bike. 

We talked every day, saw each other often. I really really liked him. Call me cazy but I felt like he liked me too. And when we finally did… more than kiss–wow. Or maybe it just felt like that because it had been so long. The morning after wasn’t awkward, we even went to breakfast before I went home. 

We saw each other more after that, at his house. Things were heating up in that direction: the sex. It was like he couldnt get enough of me. The most recent visit, we shared a few bottles of wine, which didn’t hinder his performance or the ability to perform at all–and he was quite drunk. If anything, the alcohol enhanced it. 

At the risk of TMI, I’ll just say that the force with which he took me that night–not just once, but several times… well, a girl could get used to that. This girl definitely liked it. 

Afterwards, we lay there and talked, for hours. No, HE talked for hours. It was a weekend, so I expected to spend it with him, like previous weekends. But the next morning… he was a little distant. He said it was work stuff, but my gut was telling me it wasn’t. Then he “got a call from work” that he took outside, and I went home. 

And that was the last time I saw him. I’m not sure he ghosted me? But he didn’t message as much, didn’t call. And I didn’t think anything of it because of his job. When he did finally call, the conversation was … awkward. So, I knew.

He said he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he was still trying to heal from a previous one. Things clicked into place at that point.

To sum it up: his wishlist woman turned out to be an ex he could never get over. The traits he said were more important to him are; he just wanted HER to have them. It’s kind of a tragic story, and from a woman’s POV, she really did him dirty–and moved on. Obviously he never did. The rest of that story is not mine to tell. Just gives context. I guess. I’m not really sure anymore.

I wish I had asked more questions, listened instead of just hearing. It’s not that I didn’t want to ask–I didn’t think I needed to. Who would start something they weren’t ready for?

Wasn’t expecting my feelings to hurt this much over a 3 month “fling.” Because that’s what it was: a fling.

That wasn’t really the end of it for me. Not proud to admit this, but… not only did I listen to him pine for this other woman, I tried to talk him out of breaking things off, that I could help him get closure and leave the past behind… Not my finest moment.

What’s worse is that I was in public for that phone call, and didn’t know I had an audience of one: a young man, couldn’t be more than 25 or 26. He apologized for eavesdropping and said something that makes more sense now than it did that day. When he said it, I thought he was going to hit on me, but he didn’t. He just left. I don’t remember his exact words, but it went something like:

“I don’t know the details, but I’m willing to bet my life he met someone else. He just didn’t want to tell you, used the ‘ex’ story. I’m not justifying the lie, but as a guy I can confirm we do care about other people’s feelings. He didn’t want to hurt yours.”

So, there is that possibility, which made me feel worse for having practically begged him to give us a chance. Should Little Romeo have kept his thoughts to himself? I don’t know. But I’m glad he didn’t. In a way, it helped. Even though I can’t be sure if Aussie guy was telling the truth or if Dr. Kid LoveGuru was on to something.

It’s still a bit fresh, I keep self-analyzing how I could have been better, and I came up with nothing. You can’t compete with a romanticized experience or memory of a person-if it was that-or another person entering the equation (of which I am painfully aware from experience).

And that’s it. My first ‘boyfriend’ in years, lasted less than 6 months. That’s actually not true. We never defined what it was.

Probably doesn’t matter–shouldn’t. It wasn’t love, but wow does it hurt. Just doesn’t feel like it has any right to feel this way, for the short time it lasted. 

Well, at least I learned a few new things:

I still know how to kiss. And other things.
Just because a destination is defined, it doesn’t mean we’ll get there. 
The only thing that doesn’t sound sexy in a foreign accent is getting ditched.

It’s not the worst I’ve been through, though, so there’s that.

Back in few…

Me