Operation: ‘Balls’
Cupids,
I’ve faced many a battle in my life, but nothing that compares to dress shopping with my Bestie: the enabler.
She dubbed it Operation: Balls, a nod to an autocorrect fail. The recipient: Mr. NCOhMyGod.
No, it was NOT a Freudian slip.
Shopping for me is something Bestie takes very, very seriously. Especially when she’s trying to… encourage–fuck it. She’s trying to wrap me up in ‘sex’ and throw me onto Mr. NCOhMyGod’s bed. Formal optional.
She’s shipping us hard–NOT a euphemism.
Her only criteria? The one that screams “’take me now, Master Sergeant SexOnLegs.'”
She did not call him that, by the way, but she may as well have.
This is a “friend date.” Friends don’t have sex. I mean, some friends do. But we don’t. We meaning me and Mr. NCOhMyGod. Not for his lack of trying. I just won’t. It’s not like I don’t think it’ll be fun. He looks like he’d be loads of fun–also NOT a euphemism. Just that I don’t sling my kitty around like a free lunch.
Gotta pay for that. Price: Commitment. Sure, it’s expensive. But the good shit doesn’t come cheap.
(So, to the young girlies reading this: remember that. Save it for the person that earns it.)
Anyway, God bless the salesgirl for understanding what I wanted: “to look… good. But not like I’m going to an audition for the casting couch.”
And while she went to look for that, Bestie had me trying on everything from what could pass as adult store lingerie to disco ball of regrets to Barbie at a Yacht orgy.
Basically anything thin, tight and bordering on transparent. Like, I’m going to a formal, not the Met Gala.
The salesgirl was the real MVP. She delivered a dress that didn’t just meet MY expectations, it satisfied Bestie’s non-negotiable points: sexy and curve-hugging.
Her exact words: “You look like the Fourth of July”
Immediately followed by: “You’re gonna make him wanna eat you real bad.”
And yes, she does a mean impression of Jennifer Coolidge.
Haven’t seen myself in something so fancy since… never. But it does look good on me. Too good. Major McThighMaster… let’s just say Bestie is right.
More Bestie quotes from the day:
“You underestimate the power of cutlets and contour.”
“Modest doesn’t get you laid, babes.”
“She’s got a date with a guy who makes women ovulate on sight, but she doesn’t want to look like she cares.” (If the linoleum floor beneath my feet could have swallowed me whole…)
“Do you think Mr. NCOhMyGod is more of a boob guy or a leg guy?”
“True. He’d probably try to motorboat your knees if you let him.”
Honest, it’s like Bestie and Mr. NCOhMyGod were cut from the same cloth.
Speaking of, he did text in for a fit check. For him, not me. Although I suspect it was really to make sure I knew he was still operating at the top of his game–friend date or not.
HIM: Does that mean I have a shot?
ME: That depends. How would that make you feel?
HIM: Hard. Very hard. Emotionally, of course.
Couldn’t even be mad–practically handed him the setup on a silver platter.
I almost had a mild stroke trying not to laugh out loud. But I lowkey liked it. Just can’t let Staff Sergeant McChesticles know that.
Surviving Operation: Balls gives me hope that I’ll make it through one night of fun–as friends–with Mr. NCOhMyGod, willpower intact.
Because if I’m being honest with myself, he gets harder to resist by the day. As I’ve said before: I’m practical, not dead.
He’s beautiful. Funny. Kinda nerdy. A little sweet (coffee). And yes, Bestie, he’s a lot of sexy. Just not for me. I gave up emotionally unavailable men–had my last one over a year ago. Haven’t wanted one since.
Until now.
Will be drafting up a COA for when his buddies assume I’m the next booty call.
It’s the reason I wish I’d said no.
There’s nothing worse than being perceived as just “one of the many.”
When I should always be the only one.
Like the Highlander.
~ Wonder Woman
P.S. If anyone knows how to draft a COA, DM please. Thanks.
@PettyInInk You didn’t say no.
I didn’t say yes.
Which means he has a chance.
Touche
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 LOL! She’ll be texting me at 2am for a ride home or a condom. Either way, I’m prepared. 🍷🍷🍷 #BringProtection
@TheFrankWhisperer Are you my bestie or his?
@PettyInInk @MasterOfTheUniverse36 We’re basically the same person. “Cut from the same cloth.” Said it yourself.
@TheFrankWhisperer I hate you.
@PettyInInk You love me.
@TheFrankWhisperer I don’t hate you.
@ MasterOfTheUniverse36 Because wouldn’t that be like hating yourself? LOL
“Sex on legs” LOL. This is OFFICIALLY better than anything I’ve ever read 😭
@PsychMajorWithIssues First: HONORED. Also: UNSEE IT.
@PettyInInk LOL
Not the Fourth of July reference. 😂 shipping for you to invite him to your bbq. #TeamGetItOn
The man won’t know what hit him. Dress like a warning, not an invitation.
I am the warning.
@PettyInInk Haha. Fair enough.
“Disco Ball of Regrets” sounds like a vibe tho. 👀
I want a Bestie like that.
Someone please check on the linoleum.
Men like him don’t change. They just find new ways to get what they want.
Men don’t change until they meet a woman who changes them. Food for thought.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 And if they change, it’s never for long.
@Anonymous23 so true. they change just long enough to take what they want and then bounce.
THIS!!!
💅 If he doesn’t cause ovulation by proximity, what’s even the point of a good dress?
“Boob guy or ass guy” is such an outdated binary. Some of us are just happy to be invited to the event.
waitttt is anyone else getting weird Pretty Woman vibes??!! 😵💫
Salesgirl deserves a medal. Or at least a reality show.
Honestly the dress is secondary. The real show is Bestie with the color commentary
No one wants to be a trophy.
@Johnny_Utah #thinline
LOL
“She’s trying to wrap me up in sex and throw me on his bed.” Bestie needs her own merch line.
@CorporateNomad22 Bestie is the best wingman that guy never knew he had.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Right? Ha.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 LMFAO!
She said commitment is the price of admission and I felt that in my uterus.
You described every military ball prep I’ve ever had.
I’m invested in the comments like it’s meme stock. Carry on.
Subtle like a brick through a window. And I’m here for it.
You don’t look like you care. Girl, you care. And he knows it. We ALL know it
Someone tell Bestie she’s doing the Lord’s work. That’s all.
This should be required reading in all sociology classes titled “Modern Love and Weaponized Cleavage.”
@BooksAndBiotech There is no cleavage. Literally.
I wouldn’t be caught dead in any of those options… but I’d absolutely wear the one that makes him stutter.
I’m good with not encouraging him. Should’ve went with the disco ball of regrets.
Wait. So the dress is both for you and not for you? Enlighten me.
Wear nice underwear. Always have to be prepared.
So, Grams, what you’re saying is, all I need to do is wear my period panties and that will protect me from General GorillaHands?
@PettyInInk He won’t care. All panties come off the same way.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 oh god. There are TWO of you?
@PettyInInk Correction: There is only one of me. However, if that applies to a dress, I’m sure it can be applied to panties as well.
Sometimes the uniform is the dress. Sometimes the dress is the weapon. Either way—always have backup lip gloss.
Dress to kill. Or at least to leave him slightly concussed.
I read this while waiting for a first date. Now I’m rethinking my options. 😂
Shopping for a man who’s probably already texting someone else. That’s peak #pickme
@Anonymous23 Sounds like he picked her over everyone else.
This entire post was a rollercoaster I didn’t know I bought tickets for, but I would ride again. 10/10. Bringing snacks next time.
“Not the Met Gala” SENT me. Girl, if it zips and doesn’t flash your ovaries, it’s a win in my book.
lol. can confirm: zippers matter.
So wait… you didn’t pick the “Barbie at a Yacht Orgy” dress? Coward.
@MyLastBrainCell That dress sounded like it had mileage and regrets built into the hemline. lol
“Commitment is the price.” I want this embroidered on a pillow. Or stitched into the lining of every bra I own.
I would’ve taken five dresses, cried in the fitting room, and then flirted with some rando for validation. #Libra
@ScaleMeMaybe I would’ve picked a black dress and a backup alibi. #capricorn
Why does Bestie sound like she carries a flask and spare Spanx in her purse at all times? I love her. Protect her at all costs.
@BackUpPlan4U I am that Bestie. We are legion.
Some men will try to turn the dress into the point. But the dress is just the prelude. She’s the whole story. Hope he realizes that.
Can’t decide if this is a slow-burn romance or the beginning of a psychological thriller. Either way, I’m staying for the plot and the emotional damage.
This blog gives me hope that I’m not the only one out here confusing romantic tension with a need for carbs and validation.
I haven’t even seen the dress and I already know the man’s gonna black out the second he sees her.
@SmoothOperator He’ll short-circuit like a military-grade Roomba and I’m HERE for it.
@ChaoticGnome We have not deployed those to the field yet. Lol.
I’m married but living for this drama like it’s 2006 and I just discovered fanfiction again.
“All panties come off the same way.” WHO IS THIS MAN.
@CupOfShady The villain. The hero. The reason I’m deleting my dating app profiles.
@CupOfShady I came for dress shopping and stayed for this feral energy.
came for emotional validation and now I’m swiping thru Spark’d like it’s my job. I need a better hobby.
@SugarAndSass right there with you.
@SugarAndSass Don’t tempt me. I’m one iced coffee away from cyberstalking and calling it investigative journalism.
Not y’all talking about “dresses” like this isn’t a full-blown sexual power play. This woman is beating that man at his own game. Effortlessly.
@vibetrash.irl ok but I’d still wear the Disco Ball of Regrets if it got me free drinks and one emotionally stunted man that’s built like a brick house.
@CrossfitChicklet23 Lol. you just described literally every man on Spark’d.
Did anyone else read this post and immediately regret texting their ex “wyd” last night?
@HaveDreams_WillTravel girl he replied “lol” and you still gave him the good good.
@TrophyWifeVibes not me feeling SEEN and attacked at the same time. .
I know this isn’t about me but the amount I relate to “take me now, Master Sergeant SexOnLegs” is concerning.
@Puck_Sloot Therapy is expensive. This blog is free. We’re coping
If I had a dollar for every time I dressed for a man who couldn’t spell “commitment,” I’d have enough to pay for actual therapy and not just retail therapy.
@RoséOverResume Retail therapy comes with a return policy. Emotional baggage doesn’t.
“You don’t sling your kitty around like a free lunch.” Ma’am. I choked on my La Croix.
@90sBabeUnfiltered This blog owes me dry cleaning.
@PettyAndProud PettyInInk and Bestie should start a Stupid Cupid podcast. Just for bangers like this. lmao
Icon behavior.
@CynicalBehavior Nothing’s more seductive than someone who can contour and disassociate at the same time.
Bestie deserves a Nobel Peace Prize in Wingman Diplomacy. She’s out here sacrificing modesty and moral support for the greater good.
@DefaultDivorcée She’s out here running covert ops. God bless.
Please tell me this is going to be a book. Like. A real one. With chapters. And a man who knows how to take dresses off “the same way.”
@BeautifulDizzzaster21 If it’s not, I’ll riot. I need a printed copy to highlight and whisper-scream into at 2am like a feral little goblin.
@BeautifulDizzzaster21 I’d like to pre-order 3: one for me, one for my therapist, and one to accidentally leave at my ex’s house so he knows why I don’t answer.
@spicybookthief Same. And if there isn’t a chapter called “The Penis Incident,” I don’t want it.
Wait… is this fiction? Or is this actually happening? Because if this is real-life blog-to-book content, I’m investing emotionally and financially.
@TheBookCollector I vote both. Real life feels fictional these days anyway. I just want a man who sexts in complete sentences.
@MyLastFK Honestly, I’d settle for one that doesn’t say “u up?” like it’s a dissertation opener.
This NEEDS to be a book. Like full-on, spicy cover art, warning-label-on-page-one, “do not read in public” kind of book.
@CaffeineAndRomance It already has more plot, character depth, and tension than half my Kindle library. I said what I said. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@MovesInShadows I want a signed copy with a bonus chapter where Bestie narrates the steamy scenes while judging the technique. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@chaosIslife Bonus points if there’s a chapter told entirely from Bestie’s POV. She deserves her own novella tbh. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@chaosIslife The entire novella would be nothing but smut. Ten pages of actual story. 400 pages of dirty sex. My kids would disown me. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@TheFrankWhisperer two words: PEN NAME. They’ll never know.
@ MovesInShadows They’re gonna know. LOL
@TheFrankWhisperer First of all: 400 pages is NOT a novella. And can we NOT romanticize my life into filthy smut for public consumption, please. I have a kid too. #TeamLetsNot
@PettyInInk how You are LITERALLY living every single plot in ALL my smut-lit collection. ROMANTASY? No, babes. BIOGRAPHY. Just need details. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@TheFrankWhisperer I don’t kiss and tell.
@PettyInInk So you will kiss him. The plot thickens.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 I. DID. NOT. SAY. THAT.
@TheFrankWhisperer And NO, I’m not LIVING the 50 Shades of Your Dreams. As if I’d EVER let a man take my tampon out. Like WTF?! Bestie, that’s not romance. It’s gross.
@PettyInInk LMAO what I’m hearing is: you’re down for everything else, but not the tampon thing. I’m sure Mr. NCOhMyGod could accept those terms.
@TheFrankWhisperer @PettyInInk He would.
@TheFrankWhisperer I [EXPLETIVE] hate you.
@PettyInInk LMFAO!! I love you.
@PettyInInk You did not NOT say that.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 As you would say “that’s a maybe.” LMFAO!!!
@TheFrankWhisperer This might be closer to a yes.
@TheFrankWhisperer I’m done with you. For today. Bye.
@PettyInInk You still haven’t clarified.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Give her a minute, the finger is coming.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 (both middle fingers)
@PettyInInk Yes.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 out here giving #bookboyfriend VIBES. How I HOLLERED!!
@MKUltaMUA @PettyInInk I’ve been called that before.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 SIR! Inquiring minds NEED TO KNOW. Are you single? Tall? Hot? Great kisser?
THIS!
FOLLOWING.
@TheFrankWhisperer right???
@TheFrankWhisperer Not for long. Yes. I’ve been told. #TeamLetsGetItOn
LOL
Tell me there’s a book. I need to notate the part where she contemplates the moral ramifications of “sex on legs” vs “self-respect.” #TeamLetsGetItOn
@FanFicWriter1231 It’s the existential lust crisis for me. We’ve all been there. Only some of us are brave enough to blog it.#TeamLetsGetItOn
Drop the book title and a link. I’m not above begging. Don’t let this just be a blog. I need closure. Or at least smut.
@ReadEmAndWeep You want ME to write smut? Have you read Update 7? If not, come back after you do. #ThePWord
@PettyInInk The P word does not get used enough. #HotAsFuck
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 LMFAO
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 @ReadEmAndWeep LOL I offered FREE lessons.
@TheFrankWhisperer We are NOT doing this here.
@PettyInInk LMAO!
@ReadEmAndWeep Right?? I’ll read it, reread it, and then recommend it to my therapist so she understands why I am the way I am.
@SpiritualMess25 I’ve already cast the Netflix movie in my head. Don’t make me look like a fool. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@MorallyAmbiguous Netflix is out. PassionFlix is IN! Trust me. You’re welcome.
I’ve NEVER hit the share button so fast in my life.
How have I NOT seen this already?!
There’s sexting. There’s sarcasm. There’s trauma and thigh veins. I laughed. I cringed. I had to walk in a circle at least twice.
Also, GIVE BESTIE HER HER OWN SPIN-OFF.
Your soul needs this. Your libido needs HIM. Your enemies need to see you thriving. #TEAMLETSGETITON
If this isn’t literary excellence, I don’t know what is. Frame it. Annotate it with unholy thoughts.
I didn’t even like him at first. He gave off hot-but-will-definitely-ruin-your-life vibes. Which, turns out, was accurate.
And her? Ma’am, how are you this emotionally constipated and still have the nerve to sext like that??
I screamed. I judged. I rolled my eyes so hard I saw my past lives.
Then I finished re-reading the ENTIRE saga in one night, woke up late for work, and now I’m emotionally hungover and might break into tears if someone breathes near me wrong.
Final review:
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Will I read it again? Yes.
Will I pretend I hated it for my mental stability? Also yes.
I’m fine. Everything’s fine. (I am not fine.)
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