Hi.
I’ve come to a conclusion.
I’m the problem. It has to be me, because no one ever admits that it’s them.
But also? I’m painfully stupid.
Aussie guy and I have—at this point—gone around the carousel of my own idiocy a few times. But after this last ride, I can definitively say that I’m done.
How can someone pretend to date a person (that’s right, Mr. AussieInMyUndees was pretend dating me), while legitimately dating other women, including getting engaged to at least two other people? Who has the mental and physical stamina for all of that?
Apparently, Mr. TalkAussieToMe does.
And who was stupid enough to not question sudden lapses in communication, changes in plans and gradual inability to “perform” in bed?
That’s right. Me.
How did I find out about his current fiancée? She tagged him in a photo on social media! It was her head, laying on his chest, smiling with her left hand casually draped in front of her face, hiding a smile while showcasing the big diamond he had given her.
When I say my flabbers were ghasted… My jaw hit the floor so hard, I’m surprised I still have teeth.
So, I did what anyone in my situation would do. No, I did not contact his fiancée—if she was the one he chose, and she’s happy, who am I to ruin something he will might possibly ruin himself? She didn’t do anything wrong.
I took a screenshot, sent it to him and asked him why he lied to me about who else he was sleeping with while we were “dating.” His answer:
“I never once said we were dating, so who and what I do when we’re not together is none of your business.” (The clean version. There was an f-bomb in there.)
But it is—especially when we’re being intimate. I mean, basic human decency? STDs? Hello?
The audacity. Not just of him, but of myself. For romanticizing the reason he kept coming back to me was “fate.” I really watch too many rom-coms. Read too many trashy romance novels. Excuse too much disrespect.
And expect too little while I give too much.
Should I have seen this coming? Ugh. I mean, it’s not like he ever claimed exclusivity, right? But there’s a galaxy of difference between “not exclusive” and “secretly engaged to multiple women.”
Everyone deserves a second chance. But a fourth? A fifth? What kind of math was I doing in my head?
I told him to lose my number, and rethink his engagement. If he can cheat on his fiancée, does he really love her enough for a lifetime of monogamy?
Obviously, it was a rhetorical question. Of course he doesn’t. One thing’s for sure, though: he never saw me as a contender for a life partner. And it’s clear as day why he didn’t.
I didn’t respect myself enough to let him go after each and every time I found out there was possibly someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I let him go at the time. But always took him back—like a revolving door of a single bad decision.
Not respecting yourself is basically setting your own self-worth. If I don’t demand respect, then I’m just a participation trophy. The “Thanks for Showing Up” award in Mr. AussieGotEngaged’s life.
Well, lesson learned. The hard way (no pun intended, especially considering he couldn’t keep it up most of the time).
My anxiety isn’t just building a complex anymore—it’s constructing an entire gated community with a pool and tennis courts.
Guess I’m about to enter my ‘healing’ era. That includes owning my faults in the why and how and what the absolute fuck of every situationship I’ve been a part of. The hardest pill for me to swallow in all of this is that in every scenario, regardless of the male lead, no one had any intention of choosing me.
I’m not going to say I’m giving up on dating or men because they’re all trash. That’s unfair and a very unrealistic generalization. It’s not all men. Just the men I seem to be attracting and the ones I eventually choose.
And I better heal fast because I’m not getting any younger. It’s only a matter of time before the clock runs out and I’ll be sentenced to a lifetime of solitude and… cats. I’m allergic to cats.
To quote every therapist who’s ever existed: “We have a lot to unpack here.”
In recovery for the foreseeable future,
~ Me
“I’m allergic to cats” – the TRAGEDY! Seriously though, Respect for not contacting the fiancée too – that’s class.
Couldn’t tell you “because of what he does.” I fell for it, too. He was hot. Eh. Good riddance. You did the right thing with the fiancée situation too. Even if I didn’t think so at the time. Call me.
“The audacity. Not just of him, but of myself.” Sometimes the hardest person to hold accountable is the one in the mirror. Your ability to be honest about yourself is inspiring.
“my anxiety isn’t just building a complex anymore—it’s constructing an entire gated community with a pool and tennis courts” is the most poetic description of emotional crisis I’ve ever read and I’m stealing it.
I officially nominate “my flabbers were ghasted” for phrase of the year. Also, I took my ex back 3 times before the divorce. The “revolving door of a single bad decision” relates. Hard.
the “thanks for showing up” award in someone’s life is THE definition of situationships i’m 💀
I’m conflicted on not contacting the fiancée. It shows consideration for her feelings. But shouldn’t she know? I’d want to know. Sending hugs ❤️ Still my favorite reading material. Learning so much.
@PsychMajorWithIssues You would think. But that can backfire. And trust me, you do NOT want to get hit with that explosion. Example (I did not write about this one) Caught a guy I was dating in a bar with another woman. He told me he was out with his friends. It took him a few hours (right?) but he convinced me she was stalking him. Weeks later, I caught him with the same woman at a restaurant. He was supposedly at a “work dinner.” When he saw me, he took off like a bat outta Hades. This time, I approached the woman–who accused me of stalking him. That’s what he told her. It could have gone off the rails if I hadn’t had the proof in my phone–she was taking off her hoops. That… was an experience. Best thing is not to get involved.
@PettyInInk Good point. I didn’t think of it that way. Did you ever see him again?
@PsychMajorWithIssues Glad you asked, because yes I did. He to call tried numerous times after that, so I blocked his number. Probably months after, he saw me out and chased me across a parking lot. By that time, I’d been contacted by his WIFE. Not getting into that. When I asked him why he told me he was divorced, he said because he didn’t feel married in his heart. And that’s when I learned the term “separated” can mean with intent to divorce OR not in the same geographic location.
@PettyInInk Oh my God. He didn’t. I would’ve laughed in his face.
@PsychMajorWithIssues we both did. I was there. If I hadn’t seent it and heard it, I would never have believed it. Believe me when I say I tried to talk her out of him from the beginning. THE BEGINNING. His whole vibe gave me the ick.
@TheFrankWhisperer Hahaha. You sound like my Aunt Abbie.
Intelligence analysis: This was a calculated operation from the beginning. Multiple simultaneous targets, strategic communication blackouts, disinformation tactics. Sun Tzu wrote that playbook.
@RetiredRanger42 I love these intelligence reports. Also, I’ve read Sun Tzu’s Art of War. And Machiavelli’s. You’re onto somethin’.
Can confirm: it’s not about deserving another chance, it’s about whether THEY deserve another chance from YOU.
“The hardest pill for me to swallow is that no one had any intention of choosing me” – wow, that sentence just punched me in the gut. Wish I had that pill way back when.
May your healing era include dogs instead of cats. They’re loyal. They don’t leave. And they actually come when called instead of mysteriously disappearing and reappearing six months later.
“For romanticizing the reason he kept coming back to me was ‘fate'” – if I had a dollar for every time I did this, I’d be retired in Bali with my own little black book of cabana boys.
Some of us are actually direct. All that gets us is called an asshole. Just curious, are you still in recovery? How long does that typically last? #askingforafriend
“my anxiety is constructing an entire gated community with a pool and tennis courts” haha. I will find a way to use this in conversation.
Darling, at 72 I can tell you: the clock never “runs out.” I met my current husband at 65 after two divorces and a decade of terrible flings. The difference? I finally figured out what I would not tolerate. You’re ahead of schedule.
engagement to multiple women?? how? i can barely remember to text one person back.
My church group has been praying for you since NCOhMyGod, honey. God put those trials in our path to teach us. Maybe it’s time to look for a nice man at church instead of those dating applications? Just a thought from an old lady who cares! 🙏
“My flabbers were ghasted” is now my official response to everything shocking. Also, you’re allergic to cats? Life really said “let me make this healing journey EXTRA challenging” 😂
way you described finding out about the fiancée is literally my roommate’s EXACT story from last semester except it was THREE fiancées in different states. all these guys using the same M.O.
“What kind of math was I doing in my head?” GIRL. Maybe we need to stop being so good at creative math.
@TooOldForThisNonsense Creative math should be a required course for everyone–men included. “How to justify giving another chance when the red flags are visible from space.” I know women who do the same to men. And let me tell you–as unbelievable as it might seem–women are much worse.
@PettyInInk really? I find that hard to believe.
@TooOldForThisNonsense I’ve been a witness. Hand to God.
“secretly engaged to multiple women” was NOT on my bingo card for this year but here we are 😭 the bar for men is literally below ground and they’re still bringing shovels
After losing my husband of 30 years, I ventured into dating again at 58. Met a charming man who was “single” – turns out he was collecting wives. Had one in every port (Navy). Single because he lived alone. Don’t worry about the cats – get a bird! No litter box.
@WidowStartingOver I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure you had a lovely life together. But talk about relationship goals–30 years together is rare to hear about these days. And Navy guys are weird anyway. Dodged an anchor with that one. Hopefully you meet a decent King Charming if you haven’t already.
@PettyInInk I did. He’s an author. Maybe you’ve read his books. Mark Welling. We read your blog together. He always says you should write THE book.
@WidowStartingOver Thank you, that’s a huge complement–especially coming from Mr. Welling. And yes, I’m a super-fan of his science fantasy books about alternative history. Pretty sure I own everything he’s written and waiting for his next book. For years now. EEEK. This literally made my day. Thank you! Thank him! Thank you both!
@PettyInInk Mark here. Rita’s been telling me to write a sequel to The Legacy: Portals to Atlanna. I should, shouldn’t I? What do you think?
@PettyInInk Young lady, I’ll make you a deal: You write yours and I’ll write mine. I’m happy to give feedback as well. PS: You resemble Gia a lot. Hope you find your Kal soon. [Number Removed]
@WidowStartingOver BET. And thanks PS: I’d like to think Rita is your Gia as you are her Kal. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t read or finished it, but you know what I mean.
@PettyInInk 😉
Good t see you taking responsibility for your part in this situation. Most women would just blame the man and never look at their own patterns. Maybe I misjudged you.
@LuxuryLifestyle_LA Why That feels like a back handed complement. But I’ll take it.
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