I’m sure everyone‘s been impatiently waiting for a life update. Kidding. No one’s reading this.
It’s been a while. I never think about writing here when I’m happy or busy. Or on another coffee date. Of which there are more of those than actual dates–you know, the kind that lead to something beyond caffeine and small talk.
Speaking of, I kind of stopped trying to meet anyone after… well, it gets hard being the only one investing in… a misrepresentation of intention? He called it “none of your business.” Ha!
The biggest lie in dating is that there are rules. There aren’t. But there are ‘acceptations.’ Meaning, it’s up to you whether you accept what someone is willing to give you: the entire cookie, or just the crumbs.
We’ve all taken crumbs and tried to make a whole cookie out of them, just to watch it crumble (there’s a pun in there, you’re welcome).
Anyway, that’s been over for a while now.
Which brings me to: today’s coffee date. It was a literal catastrophe. Without going into detail: I smacked his face, grabbed his dick like it was the last lifeboat on the Titanic, and smeared my lips across his face. On accident. In public.
And yes–He has very large hands. But I digress.
To say this man was hot would be like saying the sun is warm. Tall. Muscular. Chiseled. I knew I had no business meeting up with him–I clearly wasn’t his type. But I did, because… well, he was gorgeous. And he got my humor. Do you know how rare that combination is?
In person–different story. He was still hot as fuck. Funny. Sexy. Tall. Ripped. Did I mention hot as fuck? But that was it.
And I’m embarrassed to admit that I was so distracted by his looks, so invested in wanting him to be some kind of unicorn, I almost missed what was so painfully obvious.
It was his eyes that gave him away. They weren’t “get to know you” eyes. They were vacant., emotionally unavailable eyes.
How can I know that? Because he was looking right at me, but he wasn’t seeing me. Just what he could get out of me. Went from panty-dropper to panty-dryer in seconds.
The conversation went nowhere. Clever and funny, sure. But I caught on to what he was actually looking for: a fling, booty call, NSA, FWB—everything except the relationship he claimed to be looking for on his dating profile.
When I called him out, he didn’t even pretend to be sorry. Just offered me a “situational partnership”—as if I needed a favor. And he seemed genuinely confused I did not accept. Like he thought I’d fall over myself to climb into his bed. I’m 43, not 23.
The audacity of pretty privilege never fails to amaze me.
So disappointing. I’m still attracted to him–he’s hot as fuck. Botheringly so. Even if he did describe me as “mature.” (Gag me, no pun).
My best friend says I should’ve hooked up with him anyway. On my terms. Everyone should have a fling, she said. She was also quite impressed with Mr. NCOhMyGod’s photos. Oh. That’s right, he’s in the military. No surprise there.
I thought about what she said. It sounds empowering in theory—taking control by owning it. But am I really owning anything?
Accepting less than I went in for is like taking a consolation prize for being a loser. Because he’s literally telling me I’m not worth more than what I can be used for–won’t date, but would def smash.
Plus, the terms are always set by the other person: he would decide when, where, how, and most importantly, when it ends. By stating these conditions upfront, he absolves himself of any responsibility for hurt feelings.
Yeah, after a few more of those, I’ll need therapy just to look myself in the eyes again.
So, I did not agree with the terms and conditions as stated, and declined his offer.
Disrespectfully.
Respectfully,
~Perpetually Single Me
OMG I’M DYING!! 😂😂 You undersold those hands, girl! So proud you passed on Mr. NCOhMyGod but also…a little disappointed? Call me. We need wine. And details. ALL the details. #LifeboatGrabberForever #IRegretNothing
I have NEVER hit the share button so fast in my life. “Grabbed his dick like it was the last lifeboat on the Titanic” – I just woke up my dog laughing. But seriously, the “crumbs into a whole cookie” metaphor hit me right in my divorce papers. Been there, tried that, got the therapy bills. Standing ovation for walking away from Mr. Pretty Privilege. 👏
Wait I’m only the third person commenting on this?? How is this blog not famous yet? You’re hilarious and painfully accurate about dating culture. “Acceptations” should be in the dictionary. Coming from a 38yo guy who is tired of other men making us all look bad – thank you for having standards.
OMG I feel so SEEN right now. Just went through almost this exact scenario last month, minus the accidental face-smearing (jealous btw). The whole “situational partnership” BS is just code for “I want access to your body without having to care about your feelings.” Thank you for articulating what we’re all thinking!
ok but “emotionally unavailable eyes” just sent me 💀 i took screenshots to send to my roommates bc this is LITERALLY what happened with this guy from my psych class last semester. like word for word. is there a handbook these men all read??
As a guy, I gotta say – douchebags like this make dating harder for everyone. The whole “bait and switch” is why women have trust issues. Respect for calling him out. The lifeboat metaphor made me spit out my coffee tho 😂
If “grabbed his dick like it was the last lifeboat on the Titanic” doesn’t become the next viral phrase, I’m giving up on humanity. Just found your blog and I’m WHEEZING. Also, your best friend sounds exactly like mine – always pushing for the fling. Sometimes we need to disappoint our besties to respect ourselves! 💯
My group chat just exploded with this link. As a fellow 40-something navigating the dating hellscape, I’ve never felt more validated. The “audacity of pretty privilege” is getting needlepointed onto a pillow for my couch IMMEDIATELY.
How are you in my brain?! “Panty-dropper to panty-dryer in seconds” – I’m stealing this phrase for every bad date debrief from now until forever. Just sent this to my entire group chat. We’ve officially found our new dating guru.
Found this through my sister’s Facebook and… wow. Perspective-shifting to read this as a guy. My dating profile definitely says “looking for relationship” but am I actually ready for one? Your post making me do some real soul-searching tonight. Also, military guy = red flag. Speaking as one.
My granddaughter showed me this on her phone. In my day we called men like this “cads” but I think I prefer your terminology! This old lady is rooting for you, dear. And don’t worry about being “mature” – it beats the alternative!
Just found this and I’m OBSESSED. The way you articulated the whole “empowerment vs. settling” dilemma is chef’s kiss. Been struggling to explain this to my friends who think casual is the way to go. Screenshotting for future reference! Oh, and the Titanic line? ICONIC.
this is literally so real and raw like??? the way men think we should be grateful for their attention?? i’m only 22 but it’s already exhausting and clearly doesn’t get better 😭 sending this to every woman i know
As someone who spent 3 years with a man who offered me “situational” crumbs, I want to frame this post and hang it on my wall. “Pretty privilege” paired with the audacity is a lethal combo. You dodged a tactical missile, not just a bullet!
My wife forwarded me this (concerning?) but I’m actually impressed by your honesty. As a father raising three girls, I’m taking notes on what to warn them about. The cookie analogy is getting added to my “dad talks” repertoire when they’re old enough to date.
ok i literally made an account just to comment on this because GIRL SAME. the number of times I’ve gone on dates with men who look at me but don’t see me?? also dying at “Mr. NCOhMyGod” because military guys on dating apps are a WHOLE CATEGORY 😂
Well, this certainly isn’t what I expected to find on my Facebook feed this morning! But I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. Dating in our 60s isn’t much different – just with more discussions about joint replacement and retirement accounts. Keep writing, young lady!
Yo, as a military guy myself, I wanna apologize on behalf of that dude. We’re not all like that, though plenty are. Mad respect for knowing your worth and not settling. Most women I match with assume I’m just looking for hookups too – guys like this make it harder for everyone.
I’m printing this out and taping it to my bathroom mirror as a reminder. At 52, I’ve collected enough crumbs to make an entire bakery, and I’m DONE. “Accepting less than I went in for is like taking a consolation prize for being a loser” – I felt that in my SOUL.
My roommates and I just had an entire WINE NIGHT discussing this post! The accuracy! The vocabulary! The emotional intelligence! We’ve unanimously voted to christen all dating app military men as “Mr. NCOhMyGod” from now on. Please tell me you’re writing a book??
i just found this because everyone in my program is sharing it and WOW. literally writing my thesis on modern dating culture and consent, and “situational partnership” is the perfect encapsulation of everything wrong with hookup culture. would you let me cite this in my research?? (serious question)
Came across this on my timeline and almost scrolled past, but the Titanic reference caught my eye. Glad I stayed. As a guy trying to figure out dating after divorce, this perspective is eye-opening. Question though: how do you actually demonstrate you ARE looking for more than a hookup without coming across as desperate? Asking for a friend (me, I’m the friend).
Girlfriend, I’m 71 years old and STILL dealing with this nonsense in the senior dating pool! Shared this with my entire bridge club. “Vacant, emotionally unavailable eyes” – I’ve seen that look across five decades of dating. Some things never change! Write a book, please!
Okay so I stumbled across this blog through my roommate’s Twitter and I can’t stop laughing at “grabbed his dick like it was the last lifeboat on the Titanic” 😂 I’ve actually been studying dating psychology in my social psych class, and the way you described his “emotionally unavailable eyes” is EXACTLY what we discussed last week about nonverbal cues revealing intention! It’s like watching theory in practice. Also, as someone still figuring out the whole dating scene, thank you for modeling what having standards looks like. Sending this to my mom who thinks I’m “too picky” 🙄
he way i’m DECEASED at “smeared my lips across his face” 💀💀 girl WHO IS THIS MAN I need the @
as a dude this made me check myself fr
not the “situational partnership” 😭 men really think we should be GRATEFUL
the “crumbs into a whole cookie” metaphor just attacked me personally and i’m not ok
military guys on dating apps are their own RED FLAG CATEGORY istg
Playing with fire can be dangerous… but also thrilling. Should try it sometime.
Trust me, honey, if he wanted more, he’d have asked for it. 💅
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