Dearest Cupids,
This was never supposed to go public. I started this as a personal journal. Publishing it? Accidental. Or a Freudian slip of the mouse. But I’m not mad about it. And I’m glad you are all enjoying it.
Many are asking for an update about the coffee date. There isn’t one. Or, there wasn’t. Until today, when Mr. NCOhMyGod walked into my office. Just as hot as I remember, smelling like sex and candy. Okay, so not really.
He did smell good though. And he brought that same cocky attitude. Shocked doesn’t even cover it.
Turns out, Mr. NCOhMyGod and I will be working on a project together. For weeks. In close proximity. With no witnesses. For the company I work for. That deals in security and risk assessment.
The odds of this happening must be astronomical. I’m talking ‘winning the lottery while being struck by a box truck during a shark attack’ level of unlikely. Which leads me to a couple possible theories:
1) I’m unwittingly starring in a Truman Show-like reality series 2) Mr. NCOhMyGod engineered this whole thing to try again for what he couldn’t get the first time.
That last one seems paranoid, right? RIGHT?
The truly bizarre part is that he was so good at pretending we’d never met, I almost believed it. Just waltzed in with his perfect hair and his perfect face and his perfect… everything… and introduced himself like we were strangers.
Called me “ma’am.” MA’AM! And he knew what he was doing, dropping not-so-subtle innuendos–in front of the entire board.
I played along because what was I supposed to do? Announce to everyone and the boss that I’d already rejected this guy’s Indecent Proposal? Copped a feel and licked his face?
That would make the next few weeks even more awkward than they’re already guaranteed to be.
So now I’m trapped in the plot of every cliche, Hallmark workplace romance movie ever made–except without the romance part. Just the awkward part. And the part where I have to pretend I don’t know what he looks like wearing less–thanks to the internet. And his selfie in my phone.
Did I mention that last post? No? Yeah. That happened. And it was BEFORE coffee. Like, 10 minutes before. No joke. And yes–it was glorious.
I digress.
Maybe he’ll behave. Probably not likely.
On the first day, I predict he will: – Bring coffee (to remind me of our date) – Drop at least three innuendos before lunch – Find excuses to stand unnecessarily close – Call me “Beautiful” or “Babe” – try the ‘fuck me eyes’ again – maybe even the LL Cool J lip and slide. (IYKYK)
Me: – Maintain professional boundaries – Channel my inner Ice Queen – Not try to sniff him like a weirdo – Most definitely will not imagine what could have happened if I’d said yes.
Kidding. Not gonna sniff him.
To be continued…
Survival odds?
~ Quite possibly the unluckiest woman alive
Girl, I just snorted coffee through my nose at “THE AUDACITY.” My dad was a Master Sergeant for 25 years, and I swear these military guys all come from the same factory with that confidence installed standard. Can’t wait for the next update! 🥪
“Send help. Or at least recipe suggestions.” I’m DYING! 😂
OMG this is literally the plot of every smutty workplace romance novel I’ve ever read and I AM HERE FOR IT. The headbutt! Please keep us updated daily. I’ve canceled Netflix – this is my entertainment now.
I’m going to that same dog rescue event on Friday! Maybe I’ll spot the infamous Mr. NCOhMyGod in the wild. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.
Am I the only one wondering if maybe he’s not playing games? What if he actually likes you? he remembered your coffee order AND came prepared for work. That’s… rare? #JustSaying
“Cedar and something citrusy” – Best description ever. Why do the jerks always smell amazing? It’s like biological warfare. Stay strong, sister. Or don’t. No judgment here. We’re all just living vicariously through you at this point.
The fact that you’re bringing him breakfast after all this speaks volumes. I’m not saying you like him, but… 📊 Would love to see a pros and cons list!
“Deranged Food Network contestant” sent me to another dimension. 💀 If you need a breakfast sandwich recipe, DM me. I’ve been perfecting mine for years.
As someone who works with military men daily, I recognize this species. They’re like peacocks – all show until you get close and realize they’re just birds with weird feathers. But I’m rooting for you! Sometimes the peacock surprises you. Sometimes.
I’ve been reading since your first post went viral, and I just want to say thank you. Dating in your 40s feels impossible sometimes, and your honesty makes me feel less alone. Also? I’m totally taking notes for when I eventually get back out there.
ufeond
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