Sexts From Last Night: The Morning After.
Based on a true story. Soon to be a major catastrophe.
Cupids,
Making the decision to show up for work, instead of calling in sick or dead, was difficult. But I’m not a little bitch. And I had a deadline.
As well as a plan: the Grab and Dash.
Grab what I need for work, then dash before Mr. NCOhMyGod arrives. It’ll be like I wasn’t even there. Because, as it turns out… I am, in fact, a little bitch.
Don’t judge me.
Facing Admiral ArmsAggedon just hours after asking him to do the ‘thing’ with his ‘thing’ (Insert ‘penis’ where it fits–NOT a euphemism) is the literal definition of ‘Too Soon.’
He also might need to process having been witness to what was a most unprecedented display of clinical terminology during what should have been the filthiest of dirty talk.
So, I let myself into the office and who do I see, looking annoyingly fresh and deliciously wrapped in yet another body-con henley? Major MagicFingers himself.
I did not have a backup plan. And so I did the only thing I could do: walk back out.
Just kidding. It was too late for that. I walked in and braced for impact.
Did I find it odd that when I showed up to work 30 minutes earlier than normal, Sergeant McSextsMe was already there? Yes.
Defcon level 1: Activated.
The first thing he did? Hand me a coffee saying only “Careful, it’s hot today.” Was that subtle innuendo or my own paranoia? Maybe both. But he went back to his work without looking at me like I’m food. Version 1.0 would’ve asked if he needed to help so I could FINISH.
Which, if I had to be honest, would have been fucking hilarious.
Then it occurred to me that he might still be running the Mr. NCOhMyGod 2.0. update. And after 20 minutes of… nothing, I started to relax.
That would turn out to be a mistake.
Unbeknownst to me, Mr. NCOhMyGod was back online with a vengeance–and with what appeared to be several software upgrades, including full turbo mode. Version 1.0 was fully operational, running in stealth mode.
I. Was. Not. Ready.
General ThirstTrap, however, was ready. Almost like he had his own plan.
The catalyst was the weaponization of the breakfast sandwich. I did not know it was possible to sexualize a breakfast sandwich and yet there I was, listening to Lieutenant LipService describing it as so “moist” and “wet” and that it “melts in my mouth.”
All the while maintaining direct eye contact.
From there, things escalated at the speed of “whiplash.”
Mr. NCOhMyGod spent the entirety of the day dropping innuendo after innuendo with the precision of a tactical strike. Without mercy.
Of special note:
One ‘accidental’ boob graze while ‘reaching for a document.’ Classic.
Several attempts to brand me: Sexy, Sexting Queen, Sextacular.
And once the innuendos started, they kept coming–like a hundred hand slap:
“I think we both know I’m very talented at multitasking.”
“You look tense. I can take care of that.”
“I’m really good with my hands. Can rub out all that” “Frustration.”
“Supply closet in five minutes?”
“I’ll do the thing you asked for last night.”
“With my mouth.”
And when I said we don’t have one? “That wasn’t a no.” (For the record, it wasn’t a yes.)
The finale? No. THE AUDACITY.
Master Sergeant AbsMcSteel texts me several OnlyFans style pics. Wearing less. Much less. (Yes, it was glorious, but that’s not the point here.)
WE WERE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE BOSS. The way my heart just stopped.
Why did he do it? He knew my “reaction would be priceless.”
But it didn’t stop there.
During said meeting, Master Sergeant BigFuckingEgo casually mentioned how well we “BOUNCE. ON. EACH. OTHER.”
We. Do. Not. Bounce. On. Each. Other.
And just when I thought he could not possibly top all of the above, when I told him to “get out of my head”:
“Only if I can come in your–“ NOPE. I did not let him FINISH. (could be a euphemism?)
And then Mr. NCOhMyGod asked me to prom.
Not really. It’s a formal.
While we were at dinner.
Because that happened–against my better judgment.
He said it was to celebrate meeting our deadline. As co-workers. I should have said no, but it was end of day and I was borderline hangry. It was just dinner.
And now… it’s just a formal. As friends. Because I said yes–after saying no.
What changed my mind? I asked if he was done trying to get me naked. His answer:
“Fuck no. If you said yes right now, I’d take you home and have my way with you. But I’ll settle for a friend-date to the ball.”
He didn’t lie. And that shows some growth.
What have we learned?
1. Mr. NCOhMyGod
2. Has
3. Not
4. Acquired
5. A
6. New
7. Target
8. He can catch a pen flying at high velocity toward his head without looking. Who knew?
Pray. For. Me.
~ your petty Dancing Queen
P.S. It’s official official: Mr. NCOhMyGod and I are a pair. Our working partnership has been extended. So, til murder or retirement do us part. Because some days I could literally kill him. Today was one of those days. #SavedByTheBall
I screamed. I cringed. I reread the supply closet line five times. I am spiritually concussed.
Also—him texting you in front of the boss?? JAIL. Immediate jail. With conjugal visits. For me.
“I’ll do the thing you asked for last night”
WITH HIS MOUTH????
Ma’am. This is erotic harassment and I support it fully. 🫡
The way he has zero chill and yet full tactical awareness??
This man is seducing with the precision of a sniper and the confidence of someone who KNOWS he has you. I’d combust.
He does NOT have me.
Yet. LOL
Texting OnlyFans-level thirst traps in a staff meeting is both unprofessional and dangerously hot.
Do I hate him? Yes.
Do I want him to ruin my life? Also yes.
He will definitely ruin her life.
‘m sorry. “BOUNCE. ON. EACH. OTHER.”
Who IS this man.
Because I owe him a fruit basket. And maybe my soul.
swear you wrote that entire post just to end me. “We were sitting in front of the boss.” dead
My ghost is writing this comment.
There’s something deeply erotic about HR violations if they come from someone with a jawline like that.
@chaosonsale I’ve never agreed with a sentence more that also made me question my morals.
If this isn’t a published book I will personally start a petition. I need to tab the part where she blocks his dirty talk in a STAFF MEETING.
Also I need a scene where he finally shuts up… by using his mouth for something else. 👀
Same.
The tension is hotter than anything I’ve read in my last five smutty Kindle downloads. And they had dragons.
I swear I came here for relatable dating disaster content and now I’m in a one-sided relationship with a man I’ve never met.
Same. I’d let him ruin my credit score and still thank him with a handwritten note.
@hornylibrarycard It’s giving “bare minimum but somehow sexy.” I hate it. I’m obsessed.
Why does he feel like a man who smells like fresh laundry, regret, and really bad decisions?
I want to hate him but he’s out here playing 5D chess with breakfast sandwiches and mouth-based innuendos. 😩 GOALS
highlighted “He didn’t lie. And that shows some growth.” in my soul. That line is going in the therapy folder.
It’s cute how easily some people confuse persistence for charm. Some lessons get repeated until they finally sink in.
Sometimes it’s not the lesson that needs to change. Just the teacher.
@PettyInInk @MasterOfTheUniverse36 This man is out here handing out cryptic dick quotes like he’s Confucius.
“Moist” should be illegal in an office. Like that word needs an HR warning label.
Actually, it should be illegal everywhere. Lol
@PsychMajorWithIssues RIGHT?! I need to submit a workplace trauma report and I don’t even work there.
You just KNOW he did that with zero shame. Full eye contact? Man’s diabolical.
This is the kind of content that makes me believe in enemies-to-lovers. Or co-workers-to-co-defendants.
I too would attend a formal out of spite and mild dehydration. Girl math.
Weaponized breakfast sandwiches. Accidental boob grazes. Unsolicited thirst traps.
This isn’t a workplace—it’s a fanfic waiting to happen. And I would read the hell out of it.
God I’m LIVING for these updatesThe breakfast sandwich weaponization is just chef’s kiss brilliant.
“He can catch a pen flying at high velocity toward his head without looking” – I’m sorry, did you THROW A PEN at him?? 😂 This is both unhinged and exactly what I would have done. I bow to your chaotic energy.
I am both horrified and deeply entertained. This man is either going to be your husband or a really good [REDACTED]. No in-between.
“Supply closet in five minutes?” OMG this is straight out of the enemies-to-lovers trope and I am HEEEERE for it!
We do NOT have a supply closet.
But if there were one…
the pen throwing sent me into orbit 💀 you’re literally living the wattpad fantasy millions of girls are dreaming about rn
I bet he enjoyed every second.
Oh, you have NO idea. He was living for it.
@PettyInInk You need to stop wearing padded bras to work now. That’s the most action those girls have had in a VERY long time LOL
@TheFrankWhisperer @PettyInInk I agree with the bra part.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 I don’t know who you are or where you’re from, but I will find you and END you.
@PettyInInk Bet
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 (middle finger emoji)
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 I don’t know who you are or where you’re from, but I will find you and END you.
@TheFrankWhisperer @PettyInInk I agree with the bra part.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 I don’t know who you are or where you’re from, but I will find you and END you.
My professional advice? Get some. Respectfully.
Am I the only one who wants to know more about these “OnlyFans style pics”? Like, are we talking shirtless or are we talking SHIRTLESS? #sendpics
As a father, I should be appalled. As a man who remembers dating, I am impressed by this guy’s persistence and creativity. The breakfast sandwich move? golf clap. That’s commitment.
Ah yes, the classic workplace romance dilemma: murder or marriage. I’ve been there three times. Currently single with four cats. Sigh.
i just audibly gasped in the middle of my lecture when i read “come in your—” GIRLLLL 💀💀
Nothing bonds coworkers like sexual tension.
This man is tactical. The breakfast sandwich was a calculated strike designed to catch you off guard. The “friend date” is pure strategy – a flanking maneuver. I recognize these tactics. He’s good.
This man is not looking for friendship. I repeat, NOT looking for friendship. Source: Am man, have used “friend date” line.
the way i would’ve spontaneously combusted when he said “I’ll do the thing you asked for last night. With my mouth.” like???? is this man for real???
Yes.
“We do not bounce on each other” is killing me 😂
i would like to submit a formal request for the “much less” thanks bye
@tech_girltm I’m in a psychology program and can confirm we need these images for a study on modern mating rituals. It’s for science.
@PsychMajorWithIssues DELETED
@PettyInInk Lol You have like 30 days to undelete tho
@PsychMajorWithIssues She did not delete.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 I did.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 I don’t think she did either. LOLLL
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Can confirm: SHE DID NOT DELETE!
@TheFrankWhisperer I’m done with all of you.
I am BEGGING you to live THIS for all of us.
This one’s not playing games. Well, he’s playing sexy games, but he’s not playing GAMES games. I’d kill for that kind of attention!
I’m betting $50 you’ll be doing more than “bouncing on each other” by chapter 15.
@YorkshireBookBuddy Sir. I take Venmo. Because THAT is NOT gonna happen. #fetch
@YorkshireBookBuddy Got $100 on it.
the fact that you threw a pen at him and his response was to catch it and keep flirting is honestly king behavior no notes
Just screamed so loud at “saved by the ball” I AM NOT OKAY. This saga is everything.
Cute. I’ll just grab the popcorn and wait for the post where he ghosts you. That’s what he’s like.
@LuxuryLifestyle_LA Physically not possible. They work together.
Twenty years of marriage and I would trade it all for ONE DAY of this kind of sexual tension. (Don’t tell my husband I said that.)
omg the way you described him as “Lieutenant LipService” and “Sergeant McSextsMe” has me WHEEZING rn. this is god tier content 🔥
the dangerous ones are the ones who can catch objects without looking while maintaining eye contact. It’s a whole different level of situational awareness. 😍
When a man says “only if I can come in your—” and you stop him, he’s not thinking about friendship. Just to be clear.
💀 Girl, you need to write a book when this is all over. Or better yet, let this man write the foreword. I bet he’s good with words.
@BetterWithWine There’s a reason I call him Lt. LipService.
@PettyInInk He’d probably like to give you a different reason to call him that.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Right? She should let him. #TeamLetsGetItOn
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Yes. He would. @BetterWithWine No. I shouldn’t.
@PettyInInk “Shouldn’t” isn’t a “wouldn’t.” So, by default, that’s a maybe.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 (middle finger emoji)
@PettyInInk @MasterOfTheUniverse36 just out here stating FACTS! #TeamLetsGetItOn
@TheFrankWhisperer Yes, but WHO IS HE?
@PettyInInk Just enjoying the show. #TeamLetsGetItOn
Dudes like this don’t waste this much energy on women they don’t actually like.
“we do not bounce on each other” made me laugh so hard! living for your workplace rom-com! 📚
taking notes for my bumble matches ✍️
Gotta respect the game. The breakfast sandwich move? Elite level. The pen catch? Olympic tier. Mans is putting in WORK.
“pen flying at high velocity” SENT ME
The sexual tension! The banter! The inappropriate texts during a meeting! I’m swooning.
omg pls tell me you’re getting your hair and nails done for this ball!! this is your princess diaries moment!! ✨👑
I’ve climbed mountains less steep than the sexual tension in this post. The view at the summit was also less satisfying than reading this update.
Am I the only one wondering what would have happened if you’d said yes to the supply closet? Actually, don’t tell me. My imagination is having a field day already.
@ProfessionalOverthinker Nothing. We don’t have one. So I win either way.
@PettyInInk Haha.
i would literally DIE if a hot coworker sent me spicy pics during a meeting with the boss. like actual flatline. how did you keep a straight face??
@Grlll.gone.mild I’ve had literal weeks of intense on the job training.
If this saga doesn’t end with you two “bouncing on each other,” I will personally write an alternate ending where it does. #TeamGetItOnAlready
It’s not harassment if you throw things at him first.
Please tell me you’re going shopping for a dress that will make his eyes pop out cartoon-style.
Taking bets on how long into the formal before they find a “supply closet”! My money’s on 45 minutes.
@JustBrowsingHere She’s won’t be that easy. I’ll give it an hour.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Less.
@TheFrankWhisperer Bet.
“Fuck no. If you said yes right now, I’d take you home and have my way with you.” I just whispered “oh my god” girl I AM NOT OKAY. This man does not mince words! The way I’d fall for him on the spot!
Just HOWLED at the pen throwing revelation.
This blog teaches me more about human behavior than any textbook.
the way i would’ve melted into the floor when he caught that pen mid-air… military reflexes are a whole different level of hot 🥵
I should disapprove.But I’m taking notes for my next date night with my wife. The breakfast sandwich move? chef’s kiss
I’m simultaneously clutching my pearls and fanning myself. This is everything my marriage isn’t and I am HERE for it!
this dude’s got more game than my entire college dorm combined, putting us to shame
I’ve never seen harassment this creative.
@RecentlyRetired I believe he called it “dedication to the craft.”
I need updates on this formal IMMEDIATELY after it happens.
these guys do not play games. when they want something, they go all-in. tactical precision.
@future.tech.bro Seek and destroy.
@Johhny_Utah Lane.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Got it. LOL
From a professional perspective, this is textbook sexual tension with boundary testing. From a woman’s perspective, GET IT GIRL.
Please keep throwing pens at him and updating us.
@PsychMajorWithIssues Say less.
this guy has more rizz in his breakfast sandwich description than i have in my entire being 💀
What does that even mean???
This is the workplace romance we all need.
the way i would simply pass away if a hot guy texted me spicy pics during a work meeting… teach me your ways queen 👑
As friends. Because I said yes—after saying no.” is the most relatable content I’ve ever read. We’ve all been there, sis.
ereading all eight updates in one sitting instead of writing my dissertation. NO REGRETS.
not me taking screenshots of all these lines to use on my situationship 📝📱 “I’ll do the thing you asked for last night. With my mouth.” is GENIUS
MasterOfTheUniverse36 @gen.z.and.confused That’s not a line you use unless you intend to keep her.
@MasterOfTheUniverse36 Lol. I’ll save it then
Still the workplace romance of my dreams. #TEAMLETSGETITON
Between the open bar and the dress uniforms, prepare yourself.
If this isn’t made into a movie starring Anne Hathaway as you and Chris Evans as Mr. NCOhMyGod, I will riot in the streets.
@TheRealDeal NOT CHRIS EVANS! Gerard Butler. Or Henry Cavill. Pee Wee Herman. Literally ANYONE WHO IS NOT CHRIS EVANS.
@TheFrankWhisperer One of the Hemsworth brothers? Michael Fassbender? The guy that was Loki in the marvel movies.
@TheFrankWhisperer Not Pee Wee Herman!
@TheFrankWhisperer I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but I’m with @MasterOfTheUniverse36 on this one. Not Pee Wee Herman. But also there will not be a movie.
@PettyInInk Looks like we have something in common.
@TheFrankWhisperer That’s a good one. But he’s not a tree.
“I’ll do the thing you asked for last night. With my mouth.” WHERE DO I FIND ME ONE OF THESE 🙏
mg plsss make a get ready with me for the ball!! 💄👗
the real action always happens after the official event ends
My therapist: “Why are you smiling?” Me: “Nothing.” My brain: replaying “fuck no, I’d take you home and have my way with you” ON REPEAT.
Subscribed to the updates. LIVING.
“Do it for the divorced girlies who are too tired to date!” As one of those tired divorced girlies, I second this motion.
this mans got strategies. Methodologies. All the ologies. Damn.
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